Rosé + Thorns
Join Dr. P. Ryan and friends in unpacking the highs and lows of life, culture, and relationships—open conversations with no off-limits topics.
Rosé + Thorns
Shift (feat. Lynique Webster)
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We did it, y’all! We made it to the end of Rosé + Thorns, season one! This season has meant so much to me and THIS EPISODE left me feeling FULL! Lynique Webster (vocalist extraordinaire) has blessed my life beyond words and I’m SO GLAD she thought it not robbery to be our season finale guest. I have no words. Just get into her wisdom regarding gift, growth, and grief . 🖤
Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and tell those who have blessed your life about the show.
You can follow and keep up with Lynique on Instagram and Twitter.
You can follow and keep up with Rosé + Thorns on Instagram and Twitter.
You can also follow and connect with P. Ryan on Instagram and Twitter.
Hey love bugs, and welcome to another episode of the Rose and Thorns podcast. I am P Ryan and I have to thank you all so much for giving me your listens, giving me your feedback, and making it to the end of season one of Rose and Thorns. But without further ado, I am here with someone who's not perfect, but forgiven. Okay. I'm here with a teacher. I'm here with a student. And I'm here with one who does everything to give him glory.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_06Get into that voice, girl. Everyone, welcome. Lenny Quedstone.
SPEAKER_00Hey. Good evening. Good morning. Yes. Because we're giving him glory. Yes. Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_06I am so happy to have you here and to have you close out season one of Roseanne Thorns. It is such an honor.
SPEAKER_00I'm so excited. I'm literally so pressed. You know, I'll be listening. Okay. Getting my listens in.
SPEAKER_05I appreciate you for being a love bug.
SPEAKER_00Okay. You already know it's me. It's me. I am one.
SPEAKER_06I appreciate you for being a love bug. Now, I also appreciate you for just showing up and being willing to be a guest on this show. So for those who don't know, yes, Linique is closing out season one. We are in March. I asked this young lady to be on the show probably when the season started, which is all the way last year, July, right? And she has always been willing, but it has taken up taken a lot for me to actually get to this point of bringing you on. And the reason being is like, all right, let's just get churchy. So a lot of people talk about the anointing and shifting the atmosphere and just oil and all that stuff. But I can say without fail, every time you and I have shared space, I have experienced a shift or just a feeling of spirit. And oh no, let me process that.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_06I feel like it I dragged my feet maybe because I wasn't ready for my spirit to be filled in that season. Shout out to therapy.
SPEAKER_00Listen, and we give him thanks for that. Therapy will do it for you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Anyhow, girl, we start the show off already by telling the people a little bit about the guest, right? So just let the people know a little bit about yourself.
SPEAKER_00Listen, I am a young blood out here. Um just a young lady who loves the Lord, loves herself, loves her family and her friends, and um loves to sing, loves music, um, loves to teach. I love teaching. Um I am people like to say I'm a firecrapper. People say I bring the energy. Um what else? I really people also like to say that I'm a confidence booster, which I which I I love, I love hearing that. Um it's just good to know that people feel good when you're when you're around and when you're in the room, just being yourself, you know? Um, and so that's that's one thing I'm glad about. I I would consider myself unapologetic, I would consider myself enthusiastic, I would consider myself energetic, yeah, full of full of fire, full of fire.
SPEAKER_04That can go in your bones.
SPEAKER_00That can go one of two ways. All right, all right, because don't get me fired up. But get me fired up. But I just uh I love what I do and I love dreaming and and consistently pushing for better.
SPEAKER_06Yes, come on and love dreaming, yeah. Thank you for sharing that.
SPEAKER_05Now, you and I know each other from you know, this is the season of the good old, okay, okay. The University of Maryland. This whole season has just been a Maryland reunion for me, okay?
SPEAKER_00And we live for it. That's what we like. Come on, it's giving. Hello.
SPEAKER_05Shout out to the turtle school.
SPEAKER_02Shout out, come on, Testudo.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_06You and I met at the University of Maryland, and I ever since meeting you, I just kind of like fell in love. And I think, you know, at the top of this show, I talked about how every time we interact, I feel a shift. But not just I feel a shift inside of me, I notice a shift in the environments that you enter. Right. Let me give the people a little story. One of our first meeting moments, or maybe in the season where we first met, I was in an a cappella group. All right, can we name it? Yes, the University of Maryland faux pas, the premier down to the University of Maryland.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00Premier. Period. All right, period.
SPEAKER_06And I loved your voice, and I was just like, this young lady needs to not only add her voice to the group, but you know, we need a little color down to the group, okay?
SPEAKER_05And we were holding on by a thread.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_06Literally. Hello? Literally one. And you came in, knocked everybody's socks off, gave personality down, and for some reason in that year it didn't work out. Yeah. Now faux pause was doing real cute, right? We were out here traveling, getting the little awards, winning the little competitions. Let's fast forward, I graduate. You find your way back to the audition, back into the group. And when I say a shift happened down to the University of Maryland faux pas, like, and it's not just about winning awards and getting exposure and really making a name not only for the group, but for yourself in the realm of a cappella. But Linique, you added something to that group that really just shifted the dynamic of what that group was. Does that make sense? Wow.
SPEAKER_00You feel what I'm saying? I feel, I feel that. I feel that.
SPEAKER_06And even look at the little babies today. They did like a little Ariana mashup situation. Yes. I was like, uh-uh, that is a Lilique Webster original.
SPEAKER_00They literally just took, not at all. That's the real gang. Literally, literally. They just they took everything, everything that was poured into them, I would say, and ran. And just ran. And that's really what what um I'm just proud to say that I that I was a reject. Okay. Proud to say that. Uh, proud to give anybody hope who auditions with something and don't make it. And you you know you're bad, but it's all right. Not everything's for you in every season. And I'm it's just it's just facts. And I was like, okay, I mean, I'll come on, audition it on a whim when nobody likes. I was just like, okay, I'll do it. Fine. Yeah. And then when I didn't, I was like, well, you know what? I'll just be the biggest fan and I'll sit there and bop down the cosmic love, and it's gonna be everything. And I'm gonna wait for P. Ryan to come and shut shut everything down, but whatever song he was getting ready to come and bless the people with.
SPEAKER_06Tried.
SPEAKER_00And but did come on and did. It's just that. And then it the I like I say, God just has a way of putting things in order when you don't really understand, don't can't quite comprehend how things are gonna work out. It just I was never at that point after I didn't get in, I was like, okay, I'm never, I just won't, I just won't. And then just things just started happening. Shifting, shifting, shifting, shifting, shifting.
SPEAKER_06Shifting, shifting, shifting, shifting, shifting, shifting, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00And I was able to pour into them babies.
SPEAKER_06And you did, and look at the material. If you all have a chance, just go down to the University of Maryland Faux Paz uh Instagram handle that Ariana collab or Ariana moment will bless you.
SPEAKER_00Positions, positions, positions, switching up positions for us. I said, switch it up. Okay, it was the red lip and the animal friend. I said, first of all, now you're gonna bring style in here too.
SPEAKER_06Now you know I love a leopard.
SPEAKER_00I was like, oh, hold up, one lone young man, unashamed, unapologetic, just in there with all them ladies. Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_05He was not ashamed of the gospel, not ashamed of the gospel.
SPEAKER_00I said, this is what we like to see, okay? Come on, not intimidated. I will not be intimidated.
SPEAKER_06Yes, I again just love the fact that you we wouldn't see this again if you had not poured into those babies. And so, just again, exemplifying and highlighting the fact that when you enter a space, when you interact with people, their lives are touched and the space is not left the same. And so I just wanted to give you your flowers today.
SPEAKER_00I receive. I receive.
SPEAKER_06Chelsea, let's dive into this show, right? And so on the last episode, of course, I'm gonna change up the whole format completely because usually I do my little research when I have a guest and just build questions based on you know common things that are known about them. But I wanted to do things a little bit differently. So when kind of mapping out this episode, I actually reached out to you and I was just like, bro, what are you being confronted with in this moment? Right?
SPEAKER_00What is that was such a question? That was such a question. It was just, and that's really what it is. It's my mom used to say this to me. She said, Nick, you can say anything, it's the way you say it that changes everything. And so there's some like you could ask somebody like, oh, how are you today? But if you rephrase it in a way that really will penetrate them, like, what made you smile today? That's it it's the same question, but rephrased and really kind of smashed you.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that's what that question did for me. I need you to know there was oil on that.
SPEAKER_06Oh thank you.
SPEAKER_00Thank you.
SPEAKER_06And your response to me was give me a few days.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Let me let that sit. Let me let that marinate a little bit.
SPEAKER_06But the stuff that you brought back to me really fucked me up because I was just like, Well, I'm ready to talk, maybe I'm ready to cry.
SPEAKER_05We'll see what's going on here.
SPEAKER_06So let's let's unpack some of the things that you said you've been confronted with in this season. Now, the first thing was maintaining a healthy relationship with your emotions while having to fully function in this constantly changing world. And that's where I closed my laptop and I said, I'm not coming to this. I'm not doing this with you. Let's break it before we even get to having to fully function in this constantly changing world. That's a whole piece on but maintaining a healthy relationship with your um with your emotions. In your perspective, what is a healthy relationship to your emotions? What like what does that even mean?
SPEAKER_00One of the first things that means for me is giving my emotions space, just leaving room for them. Um, because so often um in today's world, you can you can feel, but you can't feel so much that it makes someone else uncomfortable. Right? Or um if how you're feeling is gonna raise hell for someone else, then you might as well just keep quiet. And I just got to a place in my life where I said, I disagree with that. I know my emotions can be irrational. I know that they don't always take into consideration what might have happened. It takes into consideration my perspective. And my perspective is valid. So that's the first thing. It's just leaving room for them, allowing them to do what they do. Um, for me, when I get to a place of anger, if I ever get angry or if I'm ever like frustrated to a certain point, I'm one that can boil over. And so what I've decided is when I start to feel that within myself, because we all know, especially with a fire, it starts somewhere.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And so when you identify kind of where it's starting and boiling it down, like, okay, well, what am I feeling right now? What am I actually feeling? Because so many times your emotions are layered. So for me, it was identifying, well, how do I feel right now? And literally just writing it down, like going into my notes. If I need to just spew out, I'm going to a voice memo. And I'm just like, just so this doesn't, just so even I can begin to boil things down and see where I'm really coming from or why I'm feeling this way. Just allowing myself to emotionally vomit.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And just allowing it to be what it is. And then going, then going back and looking at it or seeing it and then approaching someone else, but just allowing them space.
SPEAKER_06Allowing your emotions to be. And I'm also hearing us a piece of like understanding what those emotions are, not just that top layer of anger, but kind of like the layers under it. And that holding space for emotion is so important. That's actually one of the main things that I've kind of been tackling in therapy. So I showed up to therapy um lit in the latter part of the year last year. And my presenting issue was that I wanted to be sure that the decisions I made were correct. Wow. And when I say that, I mean, you know, there have been a few relationships in my life around that season that just completely ended. Um by my doing. And so I wanted to be sure that like I had permission in a sense to end those relationships. And so me and the therapist are like volleying back and forth. We wind up going back into like my history. He snatches my edges one time and it's just like you wanted all of them people who you ended a relationship with to protect you, but why didn't you protect you?
SPEAKER_03And like all like wow.
SPEAKER_06And then we finally get to a place where I'm not wondering if I made the right decision, but I'm starting to tell myself that every bit of me is welcome.
SPEAKER_00Woo! That's it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And so every feeling, right? So making room for every feeling, every part of you that feels abandoned, every part of you that feels nervous, every part of you that feels uh sometimes irrationally, we like to label irrationally, but rightfully angry. Rightfully angry. So there's no irrational about that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It might be irrational for somebody else, but your perspective is your perspective and you will out.
SPEAKER_06Yes, and that's where we got to get right there, right? That it might be irrational for somebody else, which is why I had to ask you, you know, what is a healthy relationship? And maybe the inverse isn't the answer, but like, what is an unhealthy relationship?
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Right?
SPEAKER_06Because so many times we feel like we have unhealthy relationships to our emotions, but that feeling of it being unhealthy sometimes is fueled by other people saying you're not playing the emotion game correctly.
SPEAKER_00That's it.
SPEAKER_06Right? Your emotions are making me feel upset, or your emotions are, in my experience, holding this person accountable, right? Like my expression of emotion.
SPEAKER_00And don't nobody want that.
SPEAKER_06And I don't want my the accountability.
SPEAKER_00And that's okay. If you don't want that, you can just say that. It's okay for it's okay. What I'm not gonna do is make room for your insecurity. That's what I'm not gonna do. Yes, because I have my own. So if you need time to say that right now, oh I know, then that's cool. Just share that. And then that's and and that's where I am right now. I'm I am not, I'm going to make sure that I'm I you you gotta check out for you because you're the only one who can advocate for your you like you. That's that's just the gag. No one else is gonna advocate for you like you. And I'm done, I'm very done making excuses for myself because you can't handle this. I'm just I'm at this point, I'm just not gonna do that. I have to make sure that I am giving all of me room to evolve. I'm giving all of me room to to spread the wings and and giving all of me uh just time and space. Because my time is my time. What I choose to share is my gift.
SPEAKER_06What have been the effects of that? Giving yourself space, stepping up for you, allowing all parts of you to be welcome.
SPEAKER_00I've had some upset people. Um, I've had a couple bombs that I've had to diffuse. But at the end of the day, um what I'm like I said, what what I'm what I'm not gonna do is allow for someone else's insecurity to inhibit my growth or inhibit the way I show up for me. Um so what I've had to do is really just pray for real and and say, okay, Lord, you you give me guidance in this particular situation. How do I handle that? Because you know, you know for real, for real, what what's been going on. And really, it it's just allowing myself to remain an open book and be unafraid to share the ugly things. Because oftentimes, if I'm needing to take space, if I'm needing to take time, it's okay for me to say that, and I'm going to take my time. And if it's uncomfortable for you, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna apologize for what I needed to do. And that's really what it what it is. Um when you when you kind of explain things like that, people don't really have a choice but to say, okay. But okay.
SPEAKER_06I've noticed that when I started showing up for myself and allowing all parts of me to be welcome, allowing myself to feel every bit of my emotions. Um, I've become like emotionally open, like I'm always crying. I'm like, what is happening? Or not even maybe like bawling, but just like tearing up. Like I'm watching WandaVision. Here comes some tears, okay? I was it. I'm watching Megan interview with Oprah. Here come some tears, right?
SPEAKER_05I'm just like, I'm reading Cicely Tyson's book, and I'm just like, oh, where's my tissue?
SPEAKER_06I feel so much more in tune with my emotions now that I'm giving myself permission to feel them. Um, in addition, you know, that statement my therapist made, like, you're looking, you were looking for all of these people to show up for you. Why weren't you showing up for you? I find myself protecting myself more, understanding what spaces are for the good of me, what spaces will are not for my good.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Now that I'm protecting myself more, I'm feeling less nervous in relationships, right?
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_06I feel like I used to, you know, be always aware of just like how I was received by people. And now I'm just like, whether or not you receive me, whether or not you stay or stick around, the one constant here is gonna be myself. You're gonna get this, right?
SPEAKER_00You're gonna get this. That's the that's that's really what it does for for real. When you become more aware of um who you are emotionally, it exposes the people who have been covering up and masking up for a long, long time. Wow. It really does. And when you when you open up, it gives other people permission and the freedom to do the same. Um, it just, it just, it takes limits off. It really does. And and I'm I I have to say I'm I'm grateful for it. I am I really found out another layer of who I am because um I realized for a long time uh I was not, I was covering up trying not to feel because I knew it would hurt if I let myself if I let myself uh feel all that was involved in and especially in in my life and that in these particular situations. But you can't really protect yourself from pain. No, you can't.
SPEAKER_06It's gonna come. It's a part of the human condition. It's gonna come. Yeah. Another part of the human condition that like I think in today's age where everybody's trying to be a healing guru and everyone's trying to be like, you know, let's be positive, right? Positivity got me out of that low place and now I'm just riding on high, right? In this day and age, a part of the human condition that we try to ignore to the best of our ability is this maybe desire or tendency to re revisit the patterns that were unhelpful in our lives.
SPEAKER_00Help us.
SPEAKER_06So, like, yes, we're showing up for ourselves now. Yes, we're allowing all of our emotions into the space. But sometimes, you know, we spent, I don't know about you, I'm pushing 30, spent almost 30 years, right, accommodating others, people pleasing, putting down my emotions to make you feel more comfortable. You don't just unlearn that overnight. And even in the unlearning, there are some times where you're just like, oh, but for this person, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see if I can go back to those old patterns, right? Do you experience of that kind of like absolutely two steps forward, one and a half that like back and forth, that back and forth with it.
SPEAKER_00Um, for sure, for sure. There's there's no way to escape wanting to keep peace, right? There's no way. Um and of course, when you when you love someone, when you have love for someone, and when that love has been in you and and and about you um for many years, of course you you you you want them to have the best. And you will do what you have. I I will make myself a chameleon. Yes. Because I love hard. I'm one of those I'm I'm I'm I'm not, but at the end of the day, it's my relationship with myself that is going to last. And so when those back and forths do happen, when I catch myself, because we will, we do always catch ourselves. There's never a point in time where we don't catch ourselves. We just sometimes we choose to ignore it, yeah, or we're just being oblivious to it.
SPEAKER_06And I love how you framed it in, you know, I love hard, because yes, that just hits home. But I have to keep asking myself in these moments, right? Not saying that I'm always good at it, right? But I have to ask myself, is it really love if I am actively dishonoring myself to honor you? Am I really loving you? Am I loving anybody in this situation? I know I'm not loving me, right? Because I already mentioned I'm dishonoring me, but is that really love for you? Because I am now presenting a person to you who is absolutely false. I'm just lying to you. Yeah. And then you get comfortable in that, and then one day it's gonna get too much for me, and then I'm gonna be like, nope, gotta switch this, like that. And then the narrative now for you is that I become your villain because all of that stuff that I programmed you in, all of that presentation, I now took away. And you're like, what the fuck, bitch?
SPEAKER_00Oh, it's the presentation for me. Wow. Because they present real well.
SPEAKER_06You feel me? And that's one thing I also had to own in therapy, right? These people, yeah, they were some shitty ass individuals. Well, okay, they did some shitty things, yeah. But I allowed those shitty things, and a lot of the time I showed up as people's therapists, they ma'ammy, their, their, whatever they needed in that moment, right? The secretary, secretary, okay, working every day of the week.
SPEAKER_00Okay, working at nine two five, all right.
SPEAKER_06And so there's that accountability there. And so, yeah, I can say, Oh, I did that out of love. I cared for you. Okay, cool. Let's rock with that. But is that really love? Because all this time you were just lying to these folks, and maybe I was lying because I didn't know who I was. Wow, this is a lot.
SPEAKER_00Wow, already.
SPEAKER_06This ain't even on my pocket.
SPEAKER_05Wow, this is not even on my pocket.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_05I'm sorry, do you have any reactions to that?
SPEAKER_00Wow. That's the that really is it. Is this whole life's journey is just learning to find yourself. I really feel that. And um what I'm really discovering is that quite often we don't allow ourselves to evolve. One, because the vision that we had for ourselves years and years and years ago didn't come to pass the way we thought it was going to. Maybe it didn't manifest itself like we thought it was going to. So now everything is ruined, and I'm suffering here because I don't have any peace, because this didn't happen the way I thought it was going to. Well, sis, this narrative has changed. And you have changed along with it. So make room and give yourself an opportunity to try it on. And and sit down with you. Because if you can't sit down with you, how are you gonna expect somebody else to sit down with you? Allow yourself to evolve, figure out what what maybe this this area of your life is looking like. And we're allowed to want for things, but to me, what what I what what I what I've found is that so many things that I was wanting for were actually already inside of me, but I wasn't looking in the right place. I was looking externally for things when I should have been looking internally for things. Yes.
SPEAKER_06All right, here I'm gonna get you caught up. Because as we travel down the things that you said you wanted to discuss, you know, you just mentioned that everything that you were looking for externally, you already had in you. The second thing that you've been confronted with is this ability to boost confidence or encourage various people in your life, in your life, right? And I made mention of the fact that whenever I interact with you, I just feel so full. But you said you're able to boost confidence in others while at the same time you're slightly fearful of your own potential, your own ability to boost confidence in yourself and your own ability to maybe commit to to the things that you want.
SPEAKER_00You ever heard your own words back to you and you're like, wow, overwhelmed, overwhelmed. I've had this conversation with probably uh three to four people in my life. And um, my friend Isaiah mentioned that the fear of failure is almost as it can be as haunting or as daunting as the fear of success.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_00And I was like, huh, that's interesting. I feel uh sometimes that I I put my own self in a box um in terms of is this all I'm good at? Is dog days gonna be it?
SPEAKER_06And for those who don't know, dog days was the song. Okay, yes. University of Maryland Faux, your solo. Please look it up and get your blessing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that gonna be just like where you hit and that's that is that where I peak?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, is that where I peak? I've had I've had person after person prophesy over me, you're gonna write songs. You're gonna, but when I sit down to try and ain't nothing coming, it's not pouring out. I could send a mess out of somebody else's song, but it's my own songs that I do want to, I want to tap into that. Question is how? Do I need a class for that? Like, is that like can I because I'm I'm great at sitting and taking notes and but is this where I peak? And I had that conversation with myself a lot. I go and people mention it all the time. I'm just like, I'm so I'm just grateful that that song did for you what it did for me. Because that song was the start of my own journey with grief. For a lot of the time that I even sang it, for a lot of the time that I even rehearsed it, I was not dealing with the hurt and the pain that losing my mom really caused me. And so I'm I was just glad that it freed up other people as well as it freed me. Um at least, at least started my journey to to freedom. Um but then I like you know, you join a new group and you're singing new stuff and you're singing new arrangements and you're challenged musically, and and you're doing a lot of different things, and you're just like, okay, well, is this it? Is this the vision? Is this are were these the plans that God was talking about in Jeremiah? Is this it? And what I realized is that, and I I said this, I um I moderated a panel before, that there is really no definition to creativity. There isn't one. Because a lot of the things that we're creating, there's nothing new under the sun, but there are new ways to express what's been under the sun. Yeah, right. So if I put my own, if I put my own self in this box and I have told myself, maybe that is it. Maybe this is maybe this is as high as I go. Well, then tap into that. Tap into that and see where it takes you, hon. Tap in, tap, tap into, tap into that hurt and that pain that you still because when you rip that band-aid off again, it's still grief isn't one of those things that just goes away. Sure, it just reincarnates itself. Yeah, the longer you deal with it, it just reincarnates itself. So there is, there are just so many times that I feel that I put myself in a box because I'm trying to hide from a reincarnated pain.
SPEAKER_06So there's kind of like an emotional avoidance. And so just type to tie back to the beginning, yes, you're making room for your emotions. You're getting a healthier relationship with your emotions, but you know, that temptation to tap into behaviors of old, there are still parts of you that you want to cut off. Still, and so yeah, that impacts your creativity. There are so many things. My mind is just like kind of racing right now.
SPEAKER_05Because there's so many things I want to touch on.
SPEAKER_06That question of, is this it? I think is a question that I've kind of been holding, maybe not with music, but being in school for all of these years and now getting to this point where at May, you know, you've I finally reached the thing that I've been working toward. I've been asking myself, like, is that it? Do I now fall into this pattern of showing up, you work for eight hours a day, yeah, go home and cycle, cycle, cycle until I die. And that makes me feel so nervous and so uncomfortable. And I'm like, no, this can't be it. And I think about this quote that I just had to pull up. It said, higher than the highest human thought can reach is God's ideal for his children. Wow. And so I'm holding this one question of, is this it? But then when I sit in my bed, you know, Kim Kardashian GIF, you know that one where she's just in the bed with the gray sheets. That's the one. That's the one. Looking up on the sky. I think of how great life can be after this graduation point, right? Like I think about the things I can do in psych. I think about the things I can do in sexuality, I think about the potential that's now there for me, now that my time is gonna be freer, to dibble and dabble in music, right? All of those wild things I have in my mind. This quote is saying that God is even thinking higher than that for me.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_06But then it brings back this statement that you had said a little earlier on. How? How does all that map out? How is how is all of that going to work? Right. And I think that I know we we give ourselves a lot and we say we put ourselves in these boxes, but I think it's that unanswered how that gets us caught up.
SPEAKER_00It definitely that that's really the one. And I think that what I'm starting to realize is the how may never get answered. I may never get the answer to that.
SPEAKER_06Oh, mercy.
SPEAKER_00That may never happen. I may never understand how this happens. I may never understand why this happens, but what happens, that's something that I can that that I have in my control is the what. So what I what I realize is that I've been asking the wrong question. I've been putting the wrong question because I don't have the answer. I don't have the answer to the how. I don't have the answer to this why. At the end of the day, I don't I don't deserve any of the things that I have. I really don't deserve this next breath, but I'm appreciative for it. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for your rule. Yes, yes. Thank you. So I never, I don't need to understand the why. And at the end of the day, I will most likely never get the answer to the how either. But what I can, what I can answer is the what. What you gonna do now?
SPEAKER_06And the what is even answered to an extent, I think, because we don't have all the what's like really the most that we can do is our best. And sometimes our best doesn't look the best to maybe the external eye or me, maybe even to our internal eye, right? But if we know that we are doing our best, there's a whole bunch of other what's that's been undone, if that is clear. Wow. And so even that what isn't a full answer. And maybe a part of that what is at some moments being still.
SPEAKER_00Say it again.
SPEAKER_06Being still not only in our actions, but being still even in our thoughts, right? These racing thoughts of, well, if I don't do this, that's a failure. If I do this, that's a success. If I do something in between, that's like a mixed result. That's also holding us captive. And so I think, yeah, you're right. There are some other quotes that I'm thinking of where like the only failure is just like not doing anything. Yeah. I know my argument is just coming all over the place because then you're just because in my mind I'm just like, well, bitch, you just said stay still, right? But it's like, do your best. No, there's a piece of staying still. Maybe all of that is encapsulated with having the wisdom to discern when it's discernment, it's discernment.
SPEAKER_00And at the end, what one of the things that I pray, that I pray is God open my eyes to see what the spirit is doing and open my ears to hear what the spirit is saying.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because I sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I really don't know. And to be honest, when when I really think about creativity, I think of the master creator, and that's God, right? So, really all creativity is is our is an opportunity to really collaborate with him. And when I am open and truly open, meaning opening those doors that I really don't want to open. Just like an and I and I remember the creative process for going through dog days, and people ask me all the time, well, how did you do it? What did you do? And I literally just like was writing the words down, and I was like, Wow, what is this saying? What is this speaking? No, maybe I didn't write these words, but I but I painted the picture the way I would do it. Or or I I I went through and saw, well, how would I say this? Because just because I was saying someone else's words didn't mean that I wasn't telling my own story. And so at the end of the day, what what creativity is what we do with our time and what we do um in this life, like you said, all we can do is our best. Yeah, that's all we can do. And really, uh I think of that the serenity prayer all the time. You know, God grant me the serenity.
SPEAKER_06And at that end part, it's you know, the wisdom to know the difference. The wisdom to know the difference. So the wisdom to know when it's time to act, yeah, when it's time to be still. I hear you keep going back to this topic of grief and how you know, in answering the like, what you gonna do, you recognize that you're holding yourself in this box by kind of covering up those areas of grief. Yeah this is a season where a lot of us are I don't want to say getting comfortable with, but getting acquainted with grief, getting to know grief on a very personal level, grief with loss of loved ones, grief with loss of job, grief with loss of finances.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_06As one who works with in the mental health sector with various populations, like we have, you know, a textbook answer for what grief is, right? We have those stages of grief and we orient patients to that and you know, do work around kind of getting them comfortable with those stages and trying to make meaning and all that stuff. But I love or am really interested in kind of just hearing about individual experiences with grief, right? Because that's not textbook. Yeah. What has been what has grief been like for you?
SPEAKER_00Grief has been grief has been very interesting. Um to me, grief kind of defies definition, it's different every day. Um I know I I remember when I was a little girl. I would, you know, you have all these dreams, right? All these ideas of what of what your life is gonna be years and years down the line. I just saw this, I just saw this post where someone said, Yeah, you know, I know I was gonna be married at 25. Who? Where? Why? What? Okay, the life you tell. And I used to think that kind of stuck too. I used to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that, but then you get to 25 and you're like, absolutely not.
SPEAKER_06Hot mess.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely not. Not even, nope. Unless you're there. And that's and you know, if that if you're there, more power to you. Um, but grief is just I I've I've had to grieve the loss of my mom, but I've also had to grieve the loss of the of the idea or this concept of life that I had. Um, no one dreams that they're gonna get married without the mother. No one dreams they're gonna have kids without the mom. No one dreams that they're going to literally have a whole different woman step in, step not into the same shoes, because there's no way that that would ever happen. But no one ever dreams like that's just not that's not what we think of. You know it's gonna happen because we ever everyone lives, everybody dies. But that's not true for you until it happens for you. And so grief looks different every day for me. Some days I miss her more than others, some days I think about her more than others. Um but it just is very different. Grief has been a teacher, grief has been a pain in my ass. Grief has been like a band-aid that I don't ever want to rip off, but you gotta rip it off. Or sometimes something something in life will rip it off for you. There are just so many different names for it. And like I said, grief really reincarnates itself. Yeah, it look it looks different every day.
SPEAKER_06Before we started taping, I asked you how you were. You described it, you followed it up by saying, but at least I'm still here. At the top of this, I described you, and a part of your description was, you know, everything you do is to give him glory. I appreciate you so much, not only for sharing your experience with grief, but also sharing your experience of like not just grieving the loss, but grieving this living a life that you did not imagine you'd be living, and now walking down this path that you did not imagine walking down. And in that, there is this yeah, I'm here to give him the glory, right? My test is gonna be a testimony. We have this habit of, you know, yes, I'm going through all of this stuff and I'm living. Where's that piece around being angry with God?
SPEAKER_05Woo. Or maybe, you know, if we don't want to say angry, extremely frustrated.
SPEAKER_00Or angry.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_00Because I'm one to say I'm I was pissed with God. And I oftentimes never, I didn't think that I could, I didn't think that I could say that. I didn't think that it was okay for me to say, God, I'm angry. God, I'm upset right now. Alexa, play I'm upset and play I'm upset with God. I'm I'm pissed right now. I don't, I don't, I can't even describe my feelings towards you right now because I don't even want to talk to you right now. To be quite honest. I didn't even want to think to be honest, I really want to cuss you out right now. And I so often I didn't think that it was okay to say that. But then I just read a scripture that said that he knows every every hair that's on my head. And if he knows every hair that's on my head, he knows every thought that I'm thinking. So why is it not okay for me to say it? Why that why did I why did I ever think that God couldn't handle my mo why did I ever think that God couldn't handle me saying I'm pissed right now? And right now I don't feel like talking to you.
SPEAKER_06And going back to a little bit before what we were talking about, maybe it's not we know that it's not God who can't handle it. But I wonder if when you voice it, then it's people hearing you voice it to God that is what can't be handled. Does that make sense?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Because who has an answer for that? That's not a nobody's theology book. That's not that's not in well, who who has an answer? Who has an answer? No, not near no one has an answer for what do you say when someone around you is is angry with God? What do you how do you pray for them?
SPEAKER_05How do you how do you pray for them? Because people will say that they'll do it. But what are the words?
SPEAKER_00But what are the words you say? What do you say? And to be honest, what I'm what I realize is that a lot of people don't know. A lot of people don't know, and a lot of people are uncomfortable saying they don't know. But to me, it's okay to say, you know what? My Bible says that the spirit understands and can interpret groanings, not just my words. He can you can interpret what I mean when I do. So it's okay for me to say, you know what, Lord, I don't really know. I don't really know how to pray for them, but I believe that you know all. I believe that you see all. I believe that even in this storm, even in this hardship, even in this situation, even in this circumstance, you're gonna get glory. Will I ever understand it? I don't know. Will I will I I really I don't have the answer for that. I really don't have an idea. I still don't have an idea for why you had to actually take my mom. I don't I don't know. I don't know. What did I what did I gain from that? What did I what did I lose? What I still don't know. But at the end of the day, I know that I would rather go through this with God than go through it without him. And even when I'm upset, I'm gonna say I'm upset. But that don't mean that I'm ever going to fully distance myself. Yeah, and I tried.
SPEAKER_06Thank you for that.
SPEAKER_00I tried. I did the thing. I did every no, not every drug, but I did, I did a lot of different things. I experimented, I had a lot of sex, I drank a lot, and I'm not one to come over here and not be honest. There would be times I would be hung over like a fish going to go leave worship.
SPEAKER_06Wow, talk about it. Talk about it.
SPEAKER_00Did it and did me and was lost, but I was still coming to the house. Because when I say come as you are, that's not I did. That's that's how I was, and I still have moments where that's that's how I am. Still, I'm still coming as I am, I still am. I am I am by no means anyone's finished work.
SPEAKER_06I love how you highlighted that because the work will never be finished, never, and that's what a lot of people aren't getting. You know, I talked about the toxic positivity, I talked about the healing and the overcoming, and now I'm you know riding on this high level. No, sweetie, the work is constantly happening.
SPEAKER_00The only finished work that exists is Jesus Christ, and I'm not him.
unknownThere we go.
SPEAKER_00Try Jesus, not me.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, please don't try me.
SPEAKER_00Please don't. Please don't. If you catch me on the wrong day, you might get a different eat. Yeah, I'll call you and repent, but listen.
SPEAKER_06I appreciate you so much for allowing us, myself, listeners, inside your space. I feel like this is a really sacred moment. And so I thank you.
SPEAKER_04I love you.
SPEAKER_06I love you too. Is there anything you want to say to anyone who might be dealing with a similar grief?
SPEAKER_00Don't be afraid to get ugly. That's one of the biggest things that I will share. I think for a long time I wanted to keep myself together. Wanted to keep it together. I had so many reasons to keep it. I had a sister and a dad that I thought I had to, you know, oh I gotta I gotta do his laundry now because mommy ain't here, or I gotta make us food because mommy ain't here, or and we just went through a lot of different transitions. My sister was a senior and I wasn't in school at the time, so well I was and then wasn't, whole other story. Um, but for so many for for at least for a year, at least for a year after mom passed, I've tried so hard to keep it together instead of exposing the thing that was causing me not to really sleep at night, instead of um talking about it and and giving room for it, allowing it space. Um I didn't, I didn't I didn't want to deal with the pain. And quite often when I my mom didn't die a sudden death, right? She died a death that was excruciating and hard to watch over a long period of time. So for a lot of it, I believe I started grieving way before she even passed. But that still doesn't take away, doesn't prepare you for when it happens. Um, but at the end of the day, don't be afraid to let things get ugly. Because when things do get ugly, you really get to deal with the reality of who you are and and what really is going on. So allowing things to get ugly is just as okay as when you're dressed up and glossed up and and looking your best. Don't be afraid of that.
SPEAKER_06As we look back to all that we discussed in this moment, we talked about grief. We talked about getting in our own way, essentially, putting ourselves in this box. Yeah, we talked about getting comfortable with our emotions. You had a moment to kind of share your story, to share your experience, to share the things you've been confronted with. What do you want to say to yourself as you think back to these things?
SPEAKER_00What I would want to say to myself.
SPEAKER_01This might seem very mundane, but I would just say to myself, Nick is okay. It it is okay.
SPEAKER_00And you're gonna be okay. That's what I was saying. That's how that's gonna take me to a place. Wow.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. Usually I ask at the end of this happy to complete this sentence, happiness is, but you do not have to do that. But I want to thank you so much for again just opening it up yourself and and just sharing all of you in this space.
SPEAKER_02That's what happiness is. It's being open. It's being open.
SPEAKER_06And this is what I'd be talking about leaving people full.
SPEAKER_02It's being open.
SPEAKER_06Thank you. Thank you.
SPEAKER_02It's being open. That's so good. That's really big.
SPEAKER_06Before we wrap, we're gonna switch gears a little bit and play let's spin the rose bottle. Well, maybe not for the last time. I have a little treat for you guys. But one treat. But we're gonna play let's spin the rose bottle. I have spent this entire episode asking you question upon question, getting into your business. You can ask me one question. It can be juicy, it can be dry, it can be nothing at all, and we'll move on. But if it is something, I have to give an answer.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Um, so prior to us starting the show, you we you said something um about the age of 27 to like 20, 29 or 25 to 20, whatever. You said it was a time, right?
SPEAKER_06It had hands, it beat me up.
SPEAKER_00It had hands beat you up. What would you say to yourself now that you're getting ready to step out of that season? What would you say to yourself that might encourage someone else in that same season, even though it's different for everybody else? What would you how would you how would you have encouraged yourself through this time?
SPEAKER_06How would I have encouraged myself during that time? That's a very good question. Because I went through a couple different things. So went through a coming out process on the family level, which it wasn't really a coming out, more of a confirmation process.
SPEAKER_00And let it and let them be confirmed.
SPEAKER_06Okay. Um involved in romantic relationship that was just a mess financially as a student, just a mess. And it's different from undergrad financials, right? Being in a doctoral program, pushing 30, and not having money is a whole different ballgame. A whole another ball game. Um issues with church.
SPEAKER_04Ooh.
SPEAKER_06Mm-hmm. And so, how do you encourage yourself with all of those compounded stressors, right? And those are the ones I'm naming on the channel. Layers. Well, a part of the work was figuring out what I needed in certain parts. So, like certain parts of my life. And so one of the things that I went through was thinking back to when I was like in elementary school and I had this really rough time, and I thought back to what I needed, and I asked myself that question: how would you have encouraged yourself?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And what I was learning, what I've been learning in therapy is that's kind of sometimes the problem. I'm noticing that I'm in distress and I'm quick to encourage myself. I'm quick to try to help fix and help.
SPEAKER_02Help. Help.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. And one of the breakthroughs that I had in therapy was that in that moment in elementary school, I didn't want no help because I know that things didn't want, things weren't going to get better, right? Actually, if you look in the history books, things got worse, right? But what I needed in that moment was for somebody to be there to protect in different areas, right? Emotionally, um, socially, what have you. And so in that 28 to 29, 27, 28, 29, period. Um, I don't know if I necessarily need encouragement because I I got a lot of encouragement. It'll be all right. It wasn't.
SPEAKER_02It wasn't.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Maybe what I needed, or maybe what I would advise myself in that time is to be there for yourself. Because that's the one thing that show up for yourself. Don't neglect yourself in those moments. That's just not this like woo-woo thing of just like, oh, I'm being there for myself. Yeah. Emotionally, don't validate your emotions, right? Don't invalidate your emotions for somebody else. When that nigga tells you that you are too emotional and you're doing everything to like be what he needs emotionally, like, don't do that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_06Show up for yourself in academia. When you are the only black person in that space, you know they're hitting you with some bullshit. Show up for yourself. Yeah. When people are freaking out, you know, no shade to my parents, love them down. But when people are freaking out when they see that sexual paraphernalia, don't slut shame yourself. Show up for yourself.
SPEAKER_04Show up. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And so maybe that that is a form of encouragement, but not just this woo-woo, it's gonna be better. Like, really put some action behind real encouragement.
SPEAKER_00Like, what does real encouragement really what does it really look like? Because someone you will give that surface level, oh, it's gonna be all right. It might not.
SPEAKER_06It might not be all right.
SPEAKER_00What if that's not my testimony at the end? What if that's not? What if what if that's not it? How do I how do I make do with where I'm at right now? What if I'm not at the end of this valley? What if I'm not over this full mountain? Like, what if that's not where I'm at? How how do I accept where I am and give my all to where I am and still look forward to whatever is coming? Because that's where the questions lie. That's where the unknown lies. But it's okay to to to to to be where I am. And um, I saw what did I see? I think this uh Stephen Furtick like put out this this message where he talked about how people um they like minimize their situations. Yeah, and then some people really maximize their situations, like they make it make it real dramatic. And we have to be in the place where we don't do either. You know what I mean? Find the middle path. Find the middle path. There's a way to hold both. There really is.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And we have to give ourselves permission. And I think that some there's so many things that the church has taught us that weren't even biblical.
SPEAKER_06You know, as one who has dedicated himself to rereading the Bible from the beginning, I'm a witness.
SPEAKER_00What was biblically sound about what you just said? You know what I mean? Like, is this just what your tradition taught you? Yeah, or is this actually what the word is saying that now I'm interpreting from where I'm at right now? Like what? Let's double check that. And that's why it's so important to have a relationship with God for yourself. That's one thing that I'm grateful for my parents, um, really instilling in me. Comfortability in who I am and understanding that you gotta love, you gotta love the Lord for yourself, boo. Because I can't love him for you. Yes. On God, on mothers.
SPEAKER_06Oh, this did my heart good. This this did me really good. Where can the people find you? Do you want to share any social media stuff? Do you want to, or do you just want to put this out there and be like, you know, just a phantom? Or you know, up to you.
SPEAKER_00We love to see it. Um, my handle is the same on every platform at Lanique15. All right. Let me up.
SPEAKER_06Thank you so much. Love bugs. This is the final episode of Roseanne Thorne season one. I am not gonna get emotional, but thank you so much for every listen, every piece of feedback via the social media, every share, every comment. I'm coming to snatch those edges for season two. So, thank you for saying thorns.